80s Action Movies Belong in the 80s

Just watched the first two episodes of the fifth and final season of 'Breaking Bad'. They're great. While watching, I wondered what Jonathan Banks, who plays Mike Ehrmantraut, had been in before.

When I IMDb'd him, I found out he was the #1 henchman in Beverly Hills Cop, so I streamed it to catch him in it. He was good. Even 28 years ago, Banks was a creepy character actor.

Despite looking like Phil Hartman.

"No more half measures."

Now he looks like Ben Kingsley, who is also a badass, if you've seen 'Sexy Beast'.

See?

But lookalikes aside, I watch BHC for the first time since probably the late 80s. Ecch. If you dislike Jerry Bruckheimer's oeuvre now, you should've seen it back then. Honestly. Try to watch Beverly Hills Cop. It doesn't withstand the test of time. My suspension of disbelief had to be partnered with turning off some basic motor skills in order to understand how...wait, why am I writing a review of the movie? All I'll say is try to watch it again, and tell me how this was the highest grossing movie of 1984.

Then again, maybe you shouldn't watch it, and should keep a memory of it being awesome when you were 13. But Jonathan Banks was cool.

The Dark Nightie

Heading to see the new Batman flick in IMAX today with my best friend, George. Mildly worried about my drastically underfunded bank account, and have dug into a pile of toonies to fund today's misadventure.

George and I took a screenplay writing class a couple of years ago, and have had a screenplay languishing ever since. More creativity has been lost via drinks and scattered notes than we will know. When I enter heaven, I expect God to play out my life on a big screen for me, and show a beach with two sets of footprints, then only one me an afternoon drinking and writing with George, freeze frame it, and say, "THINE FOURTH WHISKY SOUR PREVENTED THOU FROM SCRIBING AN OSCAR-WINNING SCREENPLAY, MY CHILD."

Apparently, there's a porn flick called "Batbabe: The Dark Nightie". Its synopsis on IMDb is as follows:

Bacchum City is being plagued by the maniacal Jerker who sets in motion a plan to steal all of the pornography in the land. He keeps it locked away in his phallically styled helicopter, waiting for the townsfolk to become consumed in sexual anxiety. But Wendy Wane, a strip club mogul by day, slips into her seductive alter ego Batbabe at night to combat the evils of The Jerker and his clown henchmen. Aided by hopelessly incompetent Commissioner Boredom and sexy lesbian District Attorney Henrietta Bent, Batbabe must summon the courage to continue promoting her standard random ten-minute promiscuities and corner The Jerker before he forces her to permanently retire.

I wonder who writes screenplays for porn? I could do that. It'd be 10 pages of dialogue for a 90 minute film, I'd think, with a lot of action lines that simply say:

CUT TO BONING

I believe with the above action, I can safely tell people I've written 80% of a (porn) screenplay.

Welcome back, me! Now what?

It's been a while since I've blogged. The trigger for this post was someone I messaged on OKCupid who has a beautiful food blog. As I simultaneously read and stuffed sushi into my face, I thought, "Why don't I do this again?"

I still don't have a theme for my blog. I'm a foodie, but don't really cook. I called the blog 'Fathers of Detective Fiction' with an original intent about blogging about detective fiction / crime fiction, but haven't done that yet. Currently, I'm reading 'The Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Star' by Nikki Sixx & Ian Gittins, which is about as far away from detective fiction as you can get, unless you decide to reflect on the mystery of why Nikki Sixx is not dead yet.

I could blog about karaoke places around the city, except I feel like I could sum them up pretty quickly:

• Twister Karaoke: decent and fairly clean, with happy pappasan and dour mammasan at the counter. Fairly updated songs.
• Yonge Karaoke: Songs are pretty dated, with occasional 'new' songs from the last 2-3 years. Bathrooms are sketchy, couches are uncomfy, bring Purel, and FOR GOD'S SAKE DON'T TURN ON THE BLACK LIGHT
• XO Karaoke: not as good as Twister, since their couches are lumpy, but song selections are okay.
• BMB Karaoke and Music Studio: alcohol-free rooms are downstairs, acohol fuelled are upstairs. Good second choice if XO is filled up.
• Place across from BMB (downstairs. Or maybe it's across from XO? I'm usually past the point of fine detail to remember exactly where it is): so-so, but it gets bonus points for having 'Home Sweet Home' by the Crüe, and 'Sail Away' by Styx. Don't judge.
• Bar Plus: my favourite! Across from Zanzibar's Above the Swiss Chalet at Yonge & Dundas. Has an Android/iPhone app for songs to mark favourites, is clean, bright, and up-to-date tunes. All karaoke places should aspire to be Bar Plus. If I win the lottery, I'm opening up one similar to this.

So if I were a karaoke blogger, I'd have one post. Sure, I could throw in more details about the ambience, the crowd, the drink selection, etc., but that's pretty much it. Go to Bar Plus if you're downtown, XO if you're around Bloor & Christie, and Twister if you're at Yonge & Finch.

Me and my pal Brett, Twister Karaoke, sometime in 2010, I think

Maybe there is no theme. I'd like a theme, though. If anyone I know reads this and thinks I'm missing something obvious, let me know.

Route 66 - Day 13 - Nashville, TN to Toronto, ON!

Pancake Pantry for breakfast. I ordered the Village Smithy Colo Santa Fe cornmeal pancakes, with bacon, cheese, and green chiles in them. As recommended, I covered them with butter, sour cream, salsa, and maple syrup. Tasty!

We drove down 17th St. to get out of the city, which turned into (I think it was called) Music Row: a lot of recording studios and music-related businesses. It was a good indication of how important music is to Nashville. I'm definitely coming back to Nashville!

We're on our way home today, which should be about 12 hours of driving, not including stops. Minor worry for Ivan this morning: he can't find his passport. It's funny what people worry about in different ways, because he's not overly worried, where I'd be freaking out. He's pretty sure it's buried in his luggage, since he hadn't torn it apart yet. We'll stop before the border to look.

Stopped at the Steak 'n Shake outside Florenceville, Kentucky for lunch; never had their stuff before, but was quite good. Chocolate mocha shake, too. I hope I can convince Iv to stop for a malt before we cross the border...

Is it strange we just drove through the entire state of Kentucky without seeing a KFC?

Passed Cincinnati, passed Dayton, and got to Detroit. Sad, abandoned Detroit.



Cincinnati drive-by; Detroit, Cleveland, and Lagrange (ow ow ow ow); Ambassador Bridge in Detroit, which has not yet been stripped for copper wiring.

We got to the border without stopping to look for Iv's passport. I asked him at least three times if he was sure we'd be okay, and Ivan said, "Well, we'll see if my confidence pays off..."

The border guard asked for our passports, so Iv handed him mine, and handed him his driver's license, saying, "I misplaced my passport, but here's my driver's license, and I have my health card and Social Insurance card if you need to see them."

The guy looked at it, asked us the standard questions, and waved us through. Wow! A border guard with common sense.

So we kept driving, and finally, Yonge St.!

Here's a vid of the end of the trip:



Thanks for following, everyone! It's been a great trip, and I'm really glad I did some journalling/blogging about all of this. See you soon!

Route 66 - Day 12 - Conway, AK to Nashville, TN

Iv saw a spider on the wall last night, so I got up to kill it, but when I got closer, I saw it was a roach. Blargh!

Fortunately, no more sightings last night or this morning, but I kept my luggage zipped up and well off the floor & away from walls...

Breakfast at the Waffle House next door was good, at least. Next stop: Graceland!

99% of the people who worked the service jobs at Graceland were black, and mostly ignored by tourists. I said 'good morning' and 'thanks' a few times, and got startled looks, which I didn't know what to make of, until I went to the Lisa Marie (Elvis's private jet).

A young guy was taking tickets in there, so when he took mine, I said, "thankaverramuch" in a bad Elvis voice. Then I said, "I bet you've heard that a million times."

He responded, "No, sir, most people don't say anything to me."

Graceland itself was nice, although just to get into the mansion itself was $30. For $4 more, you had the opportunity to do self guided tours through the Lisa Marie, a display of some of his cars, an 'Elvis & fashion' exhibit, an 'Elvis & pop culture' exhibit', a '68 special exhibit, and 'Elvis & his movies' exhibit.

If you go to Graceland, skip the pop culture and '68 special exhibit, but check out the other ones. Elvis & fashion was pretty cool, and his plane, although a bit dated, is still pretty extravagant.

We were going to find a BBQ place for lunch, but one of the triple D places that I had on my list (Marlowe's Ribs on Elvis Presley Blvd, just down the street) was closed. Iv suggested something on Beale St. instead, since I wanted to see Beale.

On the way there, we passed the Soul Museum, as well as Sun Records, but it was already 2pm, we hadn't eaten, and still wanted to make it to Nashville for early evening, so I deferred these for the next time I was in town.

We parked at the Peabody Centre, and made our way to Alfred's on Beale St. for lunch. I had a pulled chicken sandwich and a Dr. Pepper. Iv had the same, but with a Sprite. I thoroughly enjoyed my sandwich, but the first three bites Iv took had small bones in them. This was the straw that broke the camel's back. He had enough of Memphis, and wanted to get out of town as quickly as possible. I, being the king of ill timing, tried to put a positive spin on the sandwich by suggesting at least it shows that it's real chicken prepared on the spot. Not the best time to mention this...sorry, Iv!

Once we got past Jackson, things were better. Ivan stopped at a McDonald's for a lunch reboot (I had a chocolate shake). Logged onto the internet, where my friend Molly suggested on Facebook we check out the Wildhorse Saloon in Nashville tonight. Thanks, Molls (although we didn't quite make it there)!

She also suggested we check out "Mountain Dew Mouth" if we hit Kentucky. I thought to myself, "That sounds like an interesting name for a big rock formation, or maybe a waterfall", so I googled it. HA HA HA

At the Comfort Inn in Nashville, which is a very nice, close to downtown motel. We actually got in before the sun set, which was a rarity for us. I tried using Google Phone to call my friends Rob & Trish to ask for some further Nashville suggestions, but they didn't answer, presumably because their call display would show some crazy number (next time, answer all incoming calls from Uzbekistan, guys).

(pause for Jeff to go out, hit downtown Nashville, drink some Maker's Mark, and come back)

Nashville is AWESOME!!! I had so much fun here, and Ivan really enjoyed it, too! We started off walking down 5th St., and debated going to a Keith Urban concert that was going on that night, since scalpers were selling tix for $25. We nixed the tix, walked down Broadway, which is the main strip with bars with live music. Here's a clip of a bit of it:



We settled at Tootsie's Orchid Lounge. Alex Williams & Amanda Allen were playing there. He sounds a lot like Waylon, which was pretty cool, and she played the fiddle.

We stayed for a drink, and took off to check out another place, since there was so much to choose from. We finally ended up at the Whiskey Bent Saloon, further down the street, where the Brandon Giles Band was playing.

If you're ever in Nashville, check them out. Some bands play; these guys performed. Here are a few clips. Note: the big cowboy and the bandana-wearing biker constantly got up really close to the stage and recorded the guy, so the clips are sometimes obstructed.

First clip: segue from "Can't You See" by the Marshall Tucker Band, to "Dixie", to "Duelling Banjos", back to "Can't You See":



Second: I went outside for a few minutes, and when I came back, Ivan said I missed a Jerry Lee Lewis-type performance. Fortunately, it happened again:



Third: and again, even more Jerry Lee Lewis! If you skim through this blog, at least watch this clip:



Goodnight, folks!

Route 66 - Day 11 - Tucumcari, NM to Conway, AK

We ate at Kix on 66, which is a diner in Tucumcari. I had the huevos rancheros, which were muy bien! (Lorena Ludeña, que estaría orgulloso de mí: he usado mi amplio conocimiento del español para decir 'gracias' un par de veces en el viaje).

Nik forwarded a list of 'Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives' for us to potentially check out from here to Memphis. Thanks, Nik!

While driving through Texas, past Wildorado, there were a few tumbleweeds rolling across the highway. Cool!

What was NOT cool was the cattle ranch after Wildorado . I opened the window to take a pic of all the cows, but should've thought of both the winds and the impact of 10,000 head of cattle in a small area. Smell-ee!

Another cop scare: we were going slightly above the speed limit, but not a crazy amount, when all of a sudden, a Texas State Trooper pulled out of nowhere, and drove up so close and so fast behind us, we both thought he was going to ram us. Then he passed us, drove about 10 ahead of us in the next lane, and craned his head around to look at us. Then he sped up, and kept tapping his brakes. Finally, he slowed down, drove over the grass median, and U-turned onto the westbound highway.

Iv's been a bit worried at different points due to his tinted windows. They're a 20% tint (i.e. they let 20% of the sunlight in). In Canada, they're legal, but in some states, apparently, 35% tints are the minimum you can have on the front windows. We're not sure how the law applies to out of country cars, but it's a consideration that we could get stopped for pimped-out glass...

We stopped at Conway, Texas, to see Bug Ranch, which is a take-off of Cadillac Ranch. It's even more roughed up than Cadillac Ranch was! Oh, well; still photo ops.

We passed by Groom again.









Groom's Giant Cross - redux (recrux?)

Onto Oklahoma! We stopped in Erick to look for a picture of the 100th meridian (everything west used to be the "Great American Desert"), but all we could find was the 100th Meridian Museum and a quiet town. The Roger Miller Museum there was also closed, so we kept driving to Clinton.

Clinton has a few things in it: a Route 66 museum, Jiggs Smoke House (they make jerky there), and the Tradewinds Inn (Elvis stayed there four times). We decided to check out the Route 66 museum.

Definitely worth checking out! Very well maintained, compared to some of the other museums we've seen on the way (the McDonald's museum in San Berdoo, for example, was mostly of the 'get some memorabilia and slap it into a cabinet without organizing it' variety). A lot of good picture moments.

I bought some stamps (finally) to send postcards that I bought over a week ago, and am writing those up now. They'll probably get back after I do, but it's the thought that counts, right?

We hit Leo's BBQ (a triple D featured place) in OKC. SO GOOD! I ordered the Leo's Light, which is obviously ironic, since it consisted of at least a pound of ribs, brisket, baloney, and a hot link, with baked beans and potato salad.

When we walked in, too, the place smelled smoky, like there was a fire burning. Once we looked past the cash, we realized why. There was a fire burning (note in the close-up of pic on right the fire behind the waitress)! Apparently, they smoke all their meat on site. Dinner was great: the hot link was the best sausagey meat I've ever had, and the same went for the baked beans. Their BBQ sauce (which came in the squeeze bottles) was a sweeter variety, and they had both mild and hot versions. I probably ate twice as much as Ivan (I ate my meal, and also polished off half of his baked potato), but this is why he looks like he does, and I look like I do. I can exercise when I get home...

So on to Memphis. Iv's determined to get there tonight, which equals 1 300 km of driving today. Ouch.

After passing Fort Smith around 8:30, a giant glowing cross appeared on a mountain in front of us. We debated whether it was guiding us, or trying to trick us into driving into the mountain. We're still undecided, because it disappeared after we turned a corner.

Maybe the cross was guiding us, because we got pulled over AGAIN for the second time during the trip (this time by an Arkansas State trooper; he was very friendly, too), and got off AGAIN for the second time. Third time's a charm (or maybe fourth time, if you count the cop from this morning)?

He came over to my window and asked for Ivan's license, registration, & for him to step outside. Then he came back, and started talking to me, but I ended up asking him more questions than he asked me (had he ever been to Canada? No. Did he know where Ontario was? Just north of New York State. Had he heard of Nova Scotia? Yes; it's out on the eastern seaboard. And so on), so I think he let us go just to shut me up.

The last part of the conversation confirmed this to me:

Jeff: blah blah Route 66 blah blah Canada blah great trip blah blah...
State Trooper (smiling): excuse me for a minute.
Jeff (ready to ask for Arkansas travel tips when he gets back): okay!

Ivan gets back in the car. The cop's car lights go on and he takes off.

Jeff (slightly hurt): He just took off?
Ivan: Yeah. He let me go, jumped in his car, and drove away.
Jeff: Oh.

Since this happened at 9:30, we decided to stop travelling just outside of Little Rock, crash at a Motel 6, and drive to Memphis in the morning (still four states in one day). Good night, all!

P.S. Watch for rattlesnakes.

Route 66 - Day 10 - Flagstaff, AZ to Tucumcari, NM

Good morning! For whatever reason, I feel better today, and I think Ivan does, too.

For no particular reason, I will write the rest of this blog in poem form.

For breakfast, We both had a cold slice of 'za
And took off for Meteor Crater National Monument, Arizona
(I personally dislike when people rhyme syllables that are identical,
As I just did that, I will be confined to a special level of Hell).

The crater was huge, but at 10:24
We realized we missed the 10:15 guided tour.
So we saw some exhibits and a big hunk of meteorite,
And took off for Winslow again (our timeline's not so tight

Since we're backtracking again on Route 66
To get to Memphis for an Elvis fix).
In Winslow, we stopped at La Posada Hotel
Which Ivan thought was particularly swell.

It's an old railroad hotel with some mesa views;
Lindbergh stayed there; also Einstein and Howard Hughes
(Two random facts: my favourite 'Happy Days' character was Potsie's,
And Charles Lindbergh sympathized with the Nazis).

Stewart's Trading Post was going to be a photo op
For cheesy plastic dinosaurs, but we missed the stop,
So on the I-40, we continue to drive
At 120 km/hr (in miles, that's 75).

We're stopping at Earl's for some diner fare,
But we think we've already eaten at an Earl's, but we don't know where.
Earl's was closed, so we sloughed it
To the Route 66 Casino for a tasty buffet.

I dropped twenty bucks on the roulette table,
And walked away with ten, so I felt pretty stable
Until I walked by the dollar slots
And the ten I won soon turned into the ten I lots.

Now we're on our way to Tucumcari,
Which at 2 1/2 hours, is pretty fari
The Blue Swallow Motel is where we'll stay
Bring on the jokes (e.g. our road trip is gay).

We ended up at a motel called the Buckaroo
(You can probably make jokes about that name, too).
So goodnight: I will likely sleep like a log;
I'm sorry I don't have more pictures today to post for this blog.